My cat is in one of my Hinge photos. I thought of him as a little preview of my life. On a recent first date, I found out he could also be a reason to reconsider the whole thing.
The woman I matched with had a long list of what she wanted in her profile. I usually pass on those, but this time I figured we might get along in person. We had a pleasant evening and kissed. A few days later she told me she’d been thinking about whether a relationship could work. We lived 35 minutes apart, and she was allergic to cats.
I can see why the cat mattered. The drive seemed manageable to me. Mostly I was surprised we were weighing the logistics of a relationship after one evening together. I told her I’d like to spend a little more time getting to know each other. She said she might be looking for someone who checked every box, but she didn’t want to waste our time.
I’m 33, and where I live, striking up a conversation with a stranger can feel out of place, even at a bar. Apps are where I meet most of the women I date. A match I’m excited about often ends after a single message. When I do get to a first date, I’m usually the one suggesting a place and trying to get a second date on the calendar. Sometimes I get a reason to postpone, and then I never hear from her again.
I’ve tried going out with people I felt less of a spark with, figuring it might grow once we talked. Sometimes the conversation left me just as sure there was no fit. I was making my own judgments, even as I started to feel like the applicant in every room. I’ve had relationships with women I liked and felt lucky to know. I miss how ordinary it felt to be wanted back.
After two and a half years of this, I catch myself imagining that everyone I meet has another match waiting who’s a little more appealing. I have no idea who’s on the other side of anyone else’s screen. I just know how quickly I go from a decent evening to wondering what I’d have to change about myself to get another one.
I still want someone in my life. Lately I’m tired before I’ve even opened the app. Does dating feel this lopsided to other people, or has the last stretch gotten to me? How do you deal with the loneliness when trying to meet someone has become one of the loneliest parts of your week?
