I’m 25, and I’m considering exploring BDSM with a 41-year-old dominant man. He’s been in an open relationship for nine years. We haven’t had a session yet, but I’m already hesitating over something that feels bigger than the practical arrangements: what happens if I develop feelings?
His relationship is open, not polyamorous. That distinction matters to me because I’m wondering about the emotional part of getting involved. There is an existing relationship here, with nine years behind it, and I’m trying to understand where I would fit.
When I think about being submissive with someone, I think about trust. I think about the connection involved in letting another person take control, and the intimacy of being that vulnerable together. I have trouble picturing all of that happening without some kind of attachment following.
Maybe other people experience those things more separately. I’m asking because I don’t know how I would feel once an actual experience replaced the idea of one. Right now, it’s possible to consider the arrangement from a distance. We haven’t crossed that line.
I’m also uneasy about feeling intrusive. He already has a partner and a long-established relationship. Knowing it’s open doesn’t entirely settle my uncertainty about becoming involved, especially if my feelings grow beyond whatever place is available to me.
I don’t want to assume I’ll fall for him. I also can’t promise myself that I won’t. That leaves me trying to make a decision about an experience whose emotional consequences I can only guess at.
So I’d like to hear from other submissive people who have been in this position. How did you experience that closeness with someone whose primary relationship was already established? And if you did start wanting more, what happened then?
