She replied “Okay” within ten seconds. I had asked her not to contact me unless it was about class, and that was her answer. Then she deleted my number. I had spent so long feeling hurt by our conversations that I hadn’t quite prepared for how much their absence would hurt, too.
I’m 19, and for twenty days we had talked constantly. There were long conversations and voice notes. She told me she felt lonely, wanted a boyfriend, and sometimes cried because she felt so alone. I liked her, and hearing those things made the closeness feel like it might be going somewhere. For the first time, I let myself be open with someone that way.
When I asked her out, she said she didn’t date classmates. It wasn’t the answer I wanted, but I accepted it. The difficult part came afterward, when she kept being friendly. She would compliment me or talk about coursework, and I would be reminded of what I had hoped we were becoming. To her, ordinary contact may still have made sense. To me, it kept catching on the rejection.
Eventually I sent a message explaining that I knew she didn’t mean any harm, but seeing her hurt. I asked her to leave contact to class-related things. I wanted some distance from the conversations that kept making me sad. I didn’t ask her to reconsider dating me, and she didn’t offer to.
The distance became especially clear in an elevator. I was inside with her friends and another guy. Her friends called for her to get in, but she looked at me, said she would take the stairs, and went that way instead. I had asked for less contact. Watching her avoid even sharing an elevator made that request feel much larger than a message on a phone.
A month has passed. We still sit in the same class, and I still see her in the halls. I walk past, spend time with friends, and meet new people. From the outside, there probably isn’t much to notice. Inside, I’m still upset. I’ve tried other activities, talking to other girls, even skipping a few days of class. None of that has made the feeling disappear.
Sometimes I catch her looking at me and think she seems guilty. That is my reading of a look, though, not something she has told me. I don’t know what she feels about any of this. The things I do know are less open to interpretation: she declined the date, I asked for space, and she stopped contacting me.
Now I keep thinking about apologizing and opening the conversation again. I don’t want to pretend I’m ready for a friendship if every friendly message will leave me hoping for more. But keeping my distance means sitting through class with someone I used to talk to all the time and trying to act as though that change is easy.
What I miss most is those first twenty days, before I asked her out and she said no. I can see her every day and still miss her. I haven’t sent another message.
