I can notice a woman I find attractive and talk myself out of saying hello before there’s even a conversation to be nervous about. The thought that stops me is usually the same: What if I make her uncomfortable?
It isn’t only the possibility that she won’t be interested. I’m worried about making her uneasy by approaching her at all. I don’t want an ordinary moment in her day to become something she has to manage because I thought she was pretty.
I’ve seen women talk about not wanting to be approached. I know the examples I’ve come across are a small sample, but they’ve stayed with me. When I think about introducing myself, those are the reactions I remember.
Then I start trying to account for a person I haven’t met. Maybe she wants to be left alone. Maybe she’s tired of unwanted attention. Those possibilities feel important, but I have no way to know whether they describe the woman in front of me. I’m supplying her side of the conversation before she’s had one.
From the outside, I imagine it looks like straightforward shyness: I see someone attractive and don’t approach. Inside, I’m caught on whether approaching would be inconsiderate. Even admitting that feels a little awkward, because I can’t tell how much is concern for her comfort and how much is my own nervousness finding a persuasive argument.
I don’t want to dismiss what women say about unwanted attention. I also wonder whether I’ve taken a handful of experiences and turned them into a rule that leaves no room for a welcome introduction.
So I’m still stuck at the point before hello. Am I picking up on a real reason to keep my distance, or am I getting so far into my own head that I never give an ordinary conversation a chance?
