At the beginning of our relationship, I told my boyfriend I’d never wanted to live with a partner. I like having my own space and time. Three years later, we still live separately, and I’ve spent about a year wondering whether loving him is enough to keep going.
I’m thirty-eight; he’s forty-two. For a while, I thought I might eventually want to share a home. I could imagine wanting it, especially knowing how much it matters to him. But whenever I consider the reality, I come back to the same answer: I don’t want to live together.
He wants that future, and possibly marriage. He’d also like to see me more now. Between work and other commitments, I have very little free time, and most of it already goes to our relationship. I barely have time for the things I want to do alone.
He’s a great guy. He’s supported me through hard times, and I know he’d do anything for me. We agree on plenty, generally communicate well, and work through problems. Those are real reasons to stay, and they make it painful to admit that I still have a feeling he isn’t my person.
There have also been times when I’ve felt under scrutiny, worrying about saying or doing something that has upset him before. He hasn’t been violent or manipulative. When he explains his feelings, often rooted in insecurity, I can usually understand his perspective even when I disagree. I’ve moved past individual incidents, but together they’ve left me feeling smaller.
Our energy levels and social preferences differ too. I’m more outgoing. What once seemed like a good balance now adds to the sense that we may want different lives.
I’ve struggled with wanting freedom in past relationships, so I keep questioning myself. Am I facing something I need to compromise on, or admitting something I’ve known for a while?
Ending it would devastate him. Staying means trying to be present while wondering whether I can offer the relationship he wants. I love him, and I keep wanting to be alone. If you’ve been here, how did you decide what to do?
