The other night, I went to an event my boyfriend was photographing. There were open mic performances, and I was having a great time watching them. He was working. I got to enjoy the evening and occasionally look over at someone I love.
At one point, I watched him for a minute as he took pictures. He was dressed in business casual clothes, concentrating on what he was doing, and I found him so attractive that it pulled my attention away from the performances.
Then he caught me staring.
He gave me a beautiful smile and a little wave. It was a warm, easy exchange across the room, a small moment in what was already a lovely night. I wanted him so much right then.
And almost immediately, I wished he wanted me that way too.
We’re in a sexless relationship. I don’t believe he feels that same desire for me, and I don’t expect that he ever will. Knowing that doesn’t stop these moments from happening. I can understand our situation and still look at him, dressed up and busy with his camera, and feel that sudden pull toward him.
I’m not angry with him for it. I don’t want to turn a sweet gesture into evidence against him or make him sound like a bad partner. He smiled because he saw me watching. There was affection in it, and I loved receiving it.
I have my reasons for staying. I’ve also found thoughtful, useful advice in conversations with other people in sexless relationships. This isn’t a request to go through all of those decisions again. Sometimes I just need somewhere to admit that a good evening can hurt.
These moments of wanting are the hardest part right now. Nothing had gone wrong between us at the event. He was taking pictures, I was enjoying the performances, and when he noticed me, he smiled and waved. I keep thinking about how beautiful he looked.
