I made a throwaway account to ask a question that feels oddly basic after eight years in a relationship where BDSM was a regular part of our bedroom life. I have experience, especially with rope. What I don’t have much experience with is being responsible for an ongoing dynamic involving tasks, rewards, or consequences.
In my previous relationship, those activities were mostly contained in the bedroom. My new relationship, a few months in, is starting to ask something different of me.
She was clear from the beginning that she was interested in dominance and submission during intimacy, with an ordinary relationship the rest of the time. She’s deeply independent—the kind of person who will drive across another country by herself, unfamiliar side of the road included. Being capable isn’t the issue. She wants somewhere she can let go of making every decision.
She’d explored a D/s arrangement before, but it hadn’t developed into the fuller relationship she wanted. Now she has her own cuffs and other accessories, and we’ve agreed on a permission ritual during intimacy that has been going well. We talk about what appeals to her, and the answer keeps coming back to trust and being able to hand over some control.
This week, that conversation expanded. She wants me to help train her in my garage gym. She’s also interested in some accountability around eating and drinking water during the day.
We’ve started trying the free version of a task app, keeping it to food and water check-ins and two journal entries a week. It’s a small beginning, but it reaches into hours when we aren’t together in the bedroom.
She’s also interested in wearing a discreet day collar, something that looks like a necklace, around the clock. There’s a Christmas present taking shape there.
I found a podcast about D/s relationships that has been somewhat helpful, although its focus is a full-time arrangement. I’m still figuring out how much of that fits what we’re building.
I care about her. I want to support the things she wants for herself, and I enjoy the trust she’s offering me. With the app now part of our week and the necklace on my Christmas list, I’m trying to understand our pace: how do I take the lead in the areas she’s invited me into without getting ahead of either of us?
