My wife and I have sex at most once a month. Sometimes two months pass. I know that may sound frequent to someone who’s gone much longer, and I find myself making that comparison before I’ve even finished admitting that I’m frustrated.
But it still isn’t enough for me. I’m 34, I have a higher sex drive, and the stretches between us feel long. When we do have sex, it happens often enough that I start questioning whether there’s really a problem I can bring up. Then the weeks pass again.
I’m always the one who initiates. That’s part of what makes this difficult. I know when I want her because I’m the one making the approach. I have much less understanding of what desire feels like on her side, or whether she misses sex during the time between.
Sometimes I wonder whether she might be asexual, but that’s a question I’m having, not something I know about her. I can see how often we have sex. I can’t see what she wants privately or how she experiences those months.
That’s why I’m curious about women who’ve been on the other side of a difference like this. Did your desire disappear? Did you still want sexual release but prefer masturbation? Did the lack of sex register for you the way it did for your partner?
I feel embarrassed by how different my own experience seems. Going more than a couple of days without an orgasm is difficult for me, while she can apparently go months. I catch myself feeling like a creep for wanting it so often, even though wanting it doesn’t tell me anything about what she wants.
I don’t know whether she sees our sex life as a problem. I’m left counting the weeks and then feeling strange for counting them. For anyone who’s been in her position, what was that quiet stretch actually like for you?
