About a month into our relationship, my girlfriend has a complaint: she feels like she always has to take the lead. I’ve been thinking of my approach as respectful. She seems to be experiencing it as extra work.
I can see how those two things might look similar from my side and feel very different from hers. Leaving room for what someone wants sounds considerate. If they’re always the one who has to decide what happens next, though, I can understand why they might get tired of it.
The awkward part is that I’m not completely sure of my own explanation. Was I respecting her preferences, or was I being lazy? I’d like to give myself the more flattering answer, but I don’t think I’ve earned that certainty.
What makes the conversation harder is the feeling that this is about whether I’m manly enough. Taking initiative is something I can think about. Becoming a rough, stereotypically masculine guy is harder to picture, partly because I don’t want to be that person.
I don’t want every choice between us to become a test I didn’t realize I was taking. At the same time, I don’t want to use being easygoing as a convenient excuse for letting her carry things.
We’re only about a month in. We’re still finding out what being together feels like, including the parts that don’t line up automatically. Her complaint tells me something is bothering her. It doesn’t yet tell me whether she wants more effort from me or a different kind of man.
That distinction matters to me. I could be more active without feeling like I’m pretending. But if the thing she’s missing is a personality I’ve never had and don’t want, I don’t know what I’m supposed to offer.
I’m left trying to work out what she means by taking the lead—and whether I’ve been hearing a judgment about my masculinity when she’s asking me to do more.
