I was talking to a guy I really liked, and for a while it felt easy. We were getting along, the connection was there, and I was enjoying finding out more about him. Then he said “Wakanda Forever” in an accent, and I felt that small pause where something stops being funny before you’ve decided what to say.
He’s Native American, Mexican, and white. I’m Mexican too. I didn’t understand why he needed to use the accent. When I questioned it, he said he was repeating the line from the movie. I understood the reference; the delivery was what bothered me.
He had warned me that his humor sometimes leaned on racial stereotypes. He said he didn’t mean any harm and wasn’t trying to offend people. I’d heard him, but hearing a description of someone’s humor and being there for a particular joke turned out to feel different.
At first, I let it go and went on with my day. The next day, he brought it up because he hadn’t liked feeling judged. That was when I explained more fully that the accent had made me uncomfortable and that jokes like that could reinforce stereotypes.
Three days later, he said he didn’t think we would work. We were too different, he told me. This was his personality, and I had judged him and given him a lecture. He said he wasn’t sensitive about that kind of thing.
I apologized for making the conversation feel like a lecture and for hurting his feelings. I also tried to explain that calling something a joke doesn’t guarantee it will land harmlessly with the person hearing it. I wasn’t asking him to stop being funny. I was trying to tell him where I’d stopped laughing.
What surprised me was how quickly that became a reason to stop talking altogether. I’d liked him enough to want the conversation, even an uncomfortable one. Now I’m wondering whether I handled it badly or whether he simply didn’t want that conversation with me. Was I being too sensitive, or was I allowed to say the joke bothered me?
