My casual partner messaged me again, and I agreed to meet him. Of course I did. With this particular man, my answer is almost always yes.
That’s unusual for me. I’m generally picky about men, so I notice how little deliberation he requires. I don’t have to spend much time deciding whether I want to see him. I already know I do.
Then, somewhere after the easy answer, I start questioning how easy it was. Sometimes I feel like he gets it too easy with me. He reaches out, I agree, and there we are. It can make me wonder whether I’m giving something away too readily, even though I wanted to say yes.
At the same time, the arrangement feels mutual. We both get something we want without having to make a big production of it. I’m not describing a meeting I reluctantly accepted. Seeing him appeals to me, and that’s why I keep agreeing.
The awkward part is putting those two things next to each other: enjoying how uncomplicated it feels, then wondering whether I should have made it more complicated. I can be comfortable with my answer and still find myself judging the speed at which I gave it.
I don’t know whether I’m noticing something about this arrangement that deserves more attention or being hard on myself for enjoying it. Right now, it gives me something I want. I also haven’t quite shaken the question of what my willingness means.
Has anyone else been here—happy to say yes to the same person, then unsure why that yes bothers you afterward? He’s asked, I’ve agreed, and I still want to see him.
