When my partner sent me his saved videos, I understood what he meant by inspiration. I had pictured written posts about things we might try together. What he sent was porn. Some of the things in those videos appealed to me, which made my reaction harder to sort out: I could want to try them with him and still feel hurt that he had been watching other women.
I'm exploring a female-led sexual dynamic with my male partner for the first time. Being the dominant partner is new to me, and so is figuring out what that means outside the moments when we're actually having sex. Our conversation about porn brought that uncertainty into the open.
In previous relationships, I had made it clear that I didn't want my partner watching porn. It affected me emotionally. That history was already part of how I felt about the subject, even though this relationship has its own dynamic. I don't have a neat new set of feelings just because I'm trying something new sexually.
He told me he doesn't watch porn, but that he likes finding inspiration for things we could do in bed. I took that to mean something like my own browsing: reading other people's posts and finding ideas. Then he shared his saves, and we clearly hadn't been picturing the same thing. I still don't know how he separates watching porn from using it for inspiration. To me, the videos belong to the thing I thought we were talking about.
The awkward part is that I wasn't simply put off by what he wanted. Sexually, I could see myself enjoying those things with him. His interests weren't the whole problem. What bothered me was imagining him getting turned on by the women in the videos. I don't know whether he was getting off to them; that's the thought I can't shake, rather than something he has told me happened.
There's another part that feels specific to us. He is in chastity, and I'm his keyholder: I hold the key to the device as part of our consensual arrangement. That makes his watching without my permission feel especially uncomfortable. At the same time, I'm still working out what I expect that role to cover. We are new to this dynamic, and I don't yet know whether our expectations about porn match.
I wonder whether watching something together would feel different. It might feel like something we were choosing for our own sex life, rather than something I was discovering afterward. But I haven't established that it would be easier for me. The same videos could still bring up the same feelings, even with him beside me.
I'm looking for perspectives from people who have been in this kind of relationship, including people whose boundaries differ from mine. I don't only want someone to tell me I'm right. I want to understand why receiving something he presented as inspiration hurt, especially when part of me liked what he was suggesting. I can recognize my own desire in those videos. I'm still trying to understand where his watching leaves me.
