I went outside because I couldn't stand hearing my girlfriend with another man. Then I worried about leaving her alone with him and went back into the house. She had asked me to stay nearby for her safety. I had agreed to that, too.
By then, there were several things I wished I had said no to. The first was the encounter itself.
We had talked before about bringing other people into our sex life. I was open to it if I was involved: a threesome, something we would experience together. I had always said I wasn't comfortable with her having sex with someone else on her own. That distinction mattered to me, even while we were only talking.
Then she told me about a fantasy in which I would arrange for another man to pay her for sex. I agreed to help make it happen. I still don't fully understand why I said yes when I already knew the part I wouldn't like. I wanted to make her happy. She had been open to my fantasies, and I wanted to be open to hers. Somehow, that became a reason to go along with something I didn't want.
A few weeks later, the night arrived. Watching her get ready for another man hurt before he even got there. Once the encounter began, I could hear them from elsewhere in the house. It was oral sex, but that detail didn't make it feel smaller to me. The woman I loved was having sex with a stranger in the bed we shared, and I was nearby, trying to keep myself together.
I wanted to stop it. I was anxious and close to tears, but I didn't know how to interrupt something I had helped arrange. I stepped outside to get away from the sounds, then returned because I didn't feel right leaving her alone. I hated being there, and I couldn't feel comfortable being away.
Afterward, I kept replaying what I had heard. I hadn't slept. Along with the sadness came a kind of humiliation I found difficult to explain, especially because I kept coming back to my own agreement. Nobody had needed to persuade me that I would enjoy this. I had known I wouldn't, and said yes anyway.
When we talked, she reassured me that we belonged to each other and said we wouldn't do it again. I wanted that reassurance. I also needed room to say how much the experience had hurt, without the fact that I had agreed making the conversation end there.
To her, it had been a transaction, sex without emotional attachment. She kept trying to explain that it hadn't meant anything. I wasn't saying she had fallen for him. I was trying to explain that hearing it happen had meant something to me. Knowing she didn't have feelings for him couldn't undo the night.
She even said she would probably feel the same way if our roles were reversed. That made it harder to understand why we still couldn't seem to meet each other in the conversation. I told her I wasn't blaming her for a plan I had accepted. But I couldn't make my distress disappear just because I took responsibility for agreeing.
We have agreed it won't happen again. Right now, I still need time to process what already did. She is trying to reassure me about our relationship, and I'm still trying to explain why I haven't slept.
