Whenever I try to tell my partner what I enjoy in bed, I end up hearing about how inadequate I make him feel. He says nothing he does is good enough for me. I start out trying to explain what would feel good and finish wondering whether it was worth bringing up.
We’ve been together for ten months. I’m usually the one with the lower sex drive, so I didn’t expect to find myself this hungry for sex while already having it. But I want the anticipation, the attention, the sense that he actually wants to find out what I like. Going through the motions leaves me wanting all of that even more.
I don’t expect him to read my mind. I’m willing to explain, to guide him, to discover things together. We’ve sat down twice for calm conversations about our sex life. I’ve listened to his side and asked questions. When I try to describe mine, he gets upset, and the conversation shifts away from the thing I was trying to say.
The imbalance has been there in practical ways, too. He talked enthusiastically about enjoying giving oral sex, but in ten months I think he’s done it about four times. I couldn’t give an equivalent count for myself. Pleasing someone I’m attracted to used to be something I enjoyed without hesitation. Early on, I kept assuming he would eventually show the same interest in me.
It goes beyond any one act. When he wants sex, the expectation seems to be that I’ll make it happen. I’m the one doing the kissing, touching and building things up. Too often, we move into sex before he’s made much effort to get me aroused. I go along with it, still hoping he’ll want to pay attention to what I’m feeling. After he finishes, he may return to his phone or fall asleep. I’m left feeling as if my turn never arrived.
Even when he does focus on me, he can be too rough for it to feel good. I’ve tried gently steering him toward what I actually enjoy. That brings us back to his feeling criticized, and lately I’ve stopped wanting to try. Asking has started to feel harder than staying unsatisfied.
I don’t know what’s behind his response. Perhaps he worries because I find it difficult to climax; perhaps he hears a request as proof that he’s failing. Those are guesses. I believe he wants to be a good partner, and there’s much more to him and our relationship than this. His intelligence makes his apparent lack of curiosity especially hard for me to understand.
Over time, the resentment has changed what I want to give. I’ve lost interest in oral sex, something I once liked doing for him. He’s noticed and makes comments about how long it’s been. I notice the unfairness immediately, but instead of saying so, I keep quiet. Another argument feels like more than I want to take on.
I still find him attractive. Yet my desire for him is fading, even as I crave the kind of sex we could be having together. I haven’t told anyone about this before. I write privately often; now I’m finally putting into words how lonely it feels, only ten months into a relationship, to want my partner and already be pulling away.
