When my boyfriend asked whether he could give a coworker rides to work, I said absolutely not. She is leaving her home and apparently won't have a way to get to work. I can understand why someone would want to help her. But six months ago, he was giving another woman from work rides, and I ended up reading flirtatious texts between them.
We've been together for more than two years. We're both 29. Until this happened, a question about helping a coworker could have been just that: a practical question about getting someone to work. Now there's an earlier experience sitting inside the new request, even though the woman involved is different.
He swears nothing physical happened with the first coworker. What I know is that the messages were flirty, and his boss also confirmed flirting at work. I don't have to decide that more happened to be hurt by what I actually saw. The texts are enough to explain why I don't hear this offer as an uncomplicated favor.
The new coworker hasn't done anything to me, as far as I know. I don't know the details of why she's leaving home, and I don't want to fill those gaps with suspicion. Her need for transportation may be entirely straightforward. It's uncomfortable to realize that my answer affects someone whose circumstances aren't the reason I'm upset.
There's also something to acknowledge in the fact that he asked me. He brought up the rides before simply going ahead with them. I can give that its due without pretending it settles the question. Being asked only feels like having a say if there's room for an answer he doesn't want.
My refusal was emphatic. I can imagine how it might sound to him: he wants to help someone get to work, and I'm stopping him because of something that happened with somebody else. From where I am, though, the person doing the driving would be the same man. A different passenger doesn't tell me what would be different about his boundaries this time.
Saying yes would mean accepting a situation that closely resembles the one in which I was hurt, while still feeling unsure of him. Holding to my no leaves us arguing over what I can reasonably ask of him now. I don't like having a role in whether another adult can offer a ride. I also don't know how to give an easy answer when the trust behind it isn't there.
He's upset that I said no. I'm still caught on the fact that, six months after those messages, this is a question he expected me to feel comfortable saying yes to.
