My wife told me she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. She still calls me a good father and a good partner. She doesn't want us to separate. I'm planning to file for divorce at the end of the year.
Those are the facts, and I can't make them fit together. She sees something in our marriage that she wants to keep. I hear that she no longer wants me in a way that matters deeply to me, and I struggle to see what staying would mean.
My first thought was that I'd done something wrong. I still don't know exactly what that would be. I've tried so hard, which makes her admission difficult to take in. There is no clear mistake I can point to and say that fixing it would bring the attraction back. Even her praise leaves me unsure where to put my effort.
I care that she thinks I'm a good partner. I care that she thinks I'm a good father. I don't want to dismiss those things because I'm hurt. But hearing them alongside the loss of sexual attraction makes me feel as though I'm being told I do the marriage well while something essential between us has gone missing.
I've been reading about the difference between raw attraction and long-term love. I can understand the distinction when it's written down. Being drawn to someone sexually and valuing a life with them aren't necessarily the same feeling. What I can't work out is how that distinction is supposed to help me live inside this particular marriage.
For her, wanting to stay and no longer feeling that spark apparently can exist together. For me, the loss changes how I see our future. That doesn't mean I know everything she feels. Her wish to remain married is real, too, even if it doesn't answer the part that's hurting me.
I find myself wondering whether she simply got bored with me. It's an explanation I can reach for, but it isn't something she's confirmed. I don't know why her attraction faded, and I don't want to turn my fear about the reason into an accusation.
I don't think she's bad or cruel for feeling differently. Calling her the villain would give this a simpler shape than it has. I can be hurt by what she's telling me without believing she's chosen to hurt me.
I'm planning to file at the end of the year. I haven't reached that point yet. In the time before it, I still want to understand what happened, even if understanding it doesn't change what I decide.
