When a man wants to sleep with me, I don’t automatically experience it as a compliment. Sometimes it feels like he’s announcing something he wants, and I’m expected to receive the announcement as excellent news about myself.
I understand that attraction can feel good. Being desired by someone I want, someone who notices me and cares whether I’m enjoying myself, is a different proposition. What confuses me is the idea that his interest alone should do something wonderful for my self-esteem.
Especially when he barely knows me. What, exactly, am I supposed to feel seen for? We haven’t established whether he likes my company, respects my boundaries, or has much curiosity about me beyond the possibility of sex. His attraction answers one question. It leaves quite a few others open.
Then there’s what the experience might actually offer me. If his pleasure is the main event and mine is an optional extra, I don’t see why I should be excited to participate. Being wanted doesn’t make an encounter mutual. Neither does being taken to dinner.
My friends encourage me to get out there, loosen up, have some fun. I know they mean well. But I hear about the hookups, the uncertain arrangements, the handful of texts between visits, and I don’t feel envious. Three messages during the week and a plate of pasta aren’t making a particularly persuasive case.
The frustrating part is having that lack of enthusiasm treated as evidence that I’m bitter. Apparently, declining to chase male attention can be interpreted as disappointment about not receiving enough of it. That makes it difficult to explain that I simply don’t want what’s being offered.
I’m not saying casual sex can’t be enjoyable, or that another woman’s pleasure in it needs my approval. I’m talking about my own response to attention that seems to begin and end with access to my body.
If a man wants sex but has little interest in who I am or what I enjoy, what part of that am I supposed to take personally—in the flattering sense? Does anyone else hear that offer and wonder where the compliment is?
