I’m going on a third date with my girlfriend this Saturday, and I’ve already booked a hotel room. That makes the whole thing sound settled. A date, a room, a plan. Meanwhile, I’m nervous enough that part of me doesn’t even want to go through with it.
It would be my first time. I’m excited, but the excitement keeps getting interrupted by a question I wish I could stop asking: What if I’m bad at it?
Then comes the worse question. What if I’m bad at it and she breaks up with me? I know how much I’m putting into that one possibility. Still, once it occurs to me, it’s hard to think about Saturday without also thinking about losing her.
I want to look forward to being close to my girlfriend. Instead, I keep wondering whether I’ll know what to do, whether my nerves will be obvious, whether something that feels important to me could end up disappointing her. Nothing has happened yet, and I’m already worrying about how she might feel afterward.
The hotel booking makes those worries feel more immediate. Before, this was something I could imagine happening eventually. Now there’s a Saturday attached to it. I made a practical arrangement while apparently assuming the confidence would arrive separately.
I don’t want to pretend I’m only scared, because I am excited too. That’s what makes it confusing. I can want this and then, a moment later, feel relieved at the thought of it not happening yet. Neither feeling stays in charge for very long.
We haven’t reached Saturday. I haven’t found out how I’ll feel when we’re together, or what either of us will want then. Right now, the room is booked, I’m looking forward to seeing her, and I’m still not sure I’m ready for everything I’ve imagined might come next.
