When my boyfriend showed me pictures of himself in feminine clothes, I didn't feel put off. I still found him attractive. What I couldn't tell was whether he wanted acceptance or enthusiasm for the clothes themselves. I could honestly offer the first. I wasn't sure about the second.
That distinction keeps coming up as we explore what he likes in bed. He's drawn to dominant women and enjoys being submissive. I've usually been the submissive one, sometimes the one pushing back playfully. Now I'm curious about taking charge with him, but I don't want curiosity to become a promise that I'll love everything he loves.
We've been talking since April and officially together since July. The relationship feels serious; I'm about to meet his family for Thanksgiving. We both see a possible future here. So far, our sex has been fairly conventional, with him taking the lead. There's nothing about that which makes me feel we're failing, but I know there's more he'd enjoy exploring.
He's told me about a previous relationship that worked in almost every way except sexually, and that incompatibility eventually ended it. I understand why sex matters. Still, that detail has stayed with me. It's easy to turn his past into a private test I have to pass, even though he hasn't asked me to take one. He's happy I'm interested and isn't putting expectations on me. The pressure is coming from my side.
Some of that interest feels very much my own. There have been moments when I've teased him after an orgasm, seen his reaction, and caught myself smiling. I like the thought of having that much influence over his pleasure. Pegging and prostate play appeal to me, too. I already have a strap-on from a previous relationship, though we never got around to using it. Owning it hasn't made me feel experienced. I keep getting stuck on how to initiate when I don't already know what I'm doing.
Outside the bedroom, I'm independent and assertive. That doesn't automatically make sexual dominance feel natural. My work involves decisions that can affect people's lives, and some evenings I come home with very little left to give. Being cared for, pampered, and allowed to stop deciding is something I enjoy. I'm trying to imagine taking the lead sexually without becoming responsible for directing our entire personal life.
The idea of agreed rules and expectations appeals to me partly because it might mean less constant decision-making. But I'm still figuring out what that would feel like between us. Even with chastity, the part that interests me is having a say in when he's locked or unlocked. When he did it independently, I didn't get the same enjoyment from it. My attraction seems tied to the exchange between us, not simply to an activity happening.
His clothes raise a different question. I don't want him to mistake my uncertainty for judgment, and I don't want to act excited just to reassure him. I can find him attractive without knowing yet whether dressing up together would turn me on.
He's kind about all of this. There may be a dominant side of me that feels especially comfortable with him; those small moments of enjoyment make me want to find out. I'm still inexperienced, still nervous about taking the first step. And on an evening when work has used up every decision I have, I still want to be the one being looked after.
