I was talking with a friend about a role-play scene we might try when one part of the plan caught me off guard. The idea appealed to me. Trying to understand why has been much more complicated.
I’m autistic, and I’ve been struggling to process this on my own. Role-playing is already something I enjoy, so making up a plot with a friend who shares that interest felt familiar. Nothing has happened yet. We’ve been discussing a fantasy, including a staged element of being made to do something within the role-play.
The part that surprised me involves a dildo. I find the imagined scenario exciting, but it has also brought up a question I hadn’t expected to ask: does enjoying this idea mean something about my sexuality that I haven’t understood?
As far as I know, I’m a straight man. I’ve only been attracted to women and dated women. Being with a man has never appealed to me. Even within this particular fantasy, replacing the toy with an actual male partner changes the feeling completely. That version holds no appeal for me at all.
That’s where I keep getting stuck. The fantasy interests me as we’ve imagined it, yet the real-life situation I associate with it doesn’t. I’m trying to identify which part is doing the work: the particular activity, the humiliation element, or something about playing a role in a story we’ve planned together.
I also want to describe that distinction carefully. I don’t mean it as a judgment about anyone else’s attraction or sex life. I’m reaching for language about my own preferences while still figuring out what they are.
For now, we’re still at the planning stage. I know I like the idea we discussed. I just don’t know which part I like—or whether I’m asking that one fantasy to explain more about me than it can.
