Some of our calls last more than an hour, and we’re just catching up. This is a man I work with, a man I’ve never met in person, and increasingly, a man I’m worried I have a crush on. He also has a long-term girlfriend. That last detail hasn’t changed just because talking to him has become one of my favorite parts of the workday.
I’m 35; he’s 32. We work remotely in different countries and have grown close over the past year. At first, we talked about work. Now it’s family, hobbies, office drama, passing thoughts, inside jokes—pretty much anything. We message throughout the day. Somewhere in all that ordinary conversation, he became more than the coworker I get along with.
Our job is mentally draining. Having someone who understands it and can make me laugh is a relief. I don’t have to explain the whole situation before getting to the part that annoyed me. There’s a shared context, and then there’s the pleasure of finding out we have plenty to say when we aren’t discussing the job at all. I value that friendship in its own right.
What catches my attention is how much he offers without being asked. He tells me about himself, and he doesn’t seem as open with other coworkers. From what I see, he’s selective about where he puts his time and attention. Being someone he chooses to talk to feels good. It also gives my developing crush an extremely unhelpful amount of material.
Still, feeling singled out isn’t the same as being pursued. He might see a close friend who makes a difficult workday better. I might be reading the same conversations differently because I’m starting to want something more from them. I don’t know what this feels like on his side. The length of a call can tell me we enjoy talking; it can’t settle what kind of enjoyment it is.
I’m casually dating, so friendship with him isn’t happening inside an otherwise empty life. But the ease between us is noticeable. Getting to know someone through a steady stream of small, unremarkable exchanges can feel surprisingly close. We’ve never been in the same room, yet I know the comfort of having him there during the day. That’s part of what makes my own reaction difficult to dismiss.
I dislike the phrase “work wife,” though I understand why it comes to mind. It gives this kind of closeness a neat name while skipping the awkward question of where it belongs when one person already has a partner. I’m not trying to break up his relationship. I would like to understand what boundaries he sees around a friendship that has become so familiar.
For now, I’m hoping the crush passes. If it doesn’t, I may need to pull back a little, even though that would mean less of a friendship I genuinely enjoy. We’ve spent a year finding things to talk about. I’d hate for my feelings to become the reason we have to talk less.
