Sometimes, when I tried to kiss my boyfriend, he kept his eyes open and watched the TV. He was kissing me, but his attention stayed on the screen. Eventually I stopped. It was an awkward way to find out that I was the only one trying to start something.
I’m 25, he’s 28, and we’ve been in a serious relationship for almost a year. Before that, a couple of years ago, we had a casual thing that lasted about five months. We were friends with benefits, having sex roughly every other day. Wanting each other wasn’t something I had to wonder about then.
We spent about a year apart before he pursued me again. This time, he wanted a relationship. I liked the idea of giving us a real chance, and the first few months went well. I wasn’t expecting everything to stay exactly as it had been during our fling. But I also wasn’t expecting becoming his girlfriend to leave me feeling less wanted than I had when we were keeping things casual.
I’d happily have sex every day or every other day. He rarely seems to want it now. We’ve talked about the difference more than once, and I’ve tried to explain how insecure the change makes me feel. The old version of us is hard to put aside when it involves the same man and such a different response to me.
There were other attempts, too. Sometimes I wore something special, hoping to get his attention, and he barely acknowledged it. Other times, he offered a polite compliment and nothing followed. I wasn’t expecting an outfit to obligate him to have sex. I was trying to turn him on, and coming away embarrassed that I’d made the effort.
After enough of those reactions, I stopped initiating. That didn’t mean my desire had disappeared. I still wanted him; I just didn’t want to keep putting myself in a position that left me feeling sad about myself. Doing nothing began to feel easier than making another attempt and waiting to see whether he noticed.
Then he told me he wished I would initiate more. He’d noticed that I’d stopped, but hearing that from him was confusing. From his side, there was less effort coming from me. From mine, that missing effort was the result of trying and feeling brushed off. I couldn’t simply go back to being eager without remembering why I’d pulled away.
When I told him his rejections hurt, he apologized. He said he usually wasn’t in the mood, or just didn’t want sex. I can accept that he doesn’t want it whenever I do. What I don’t know how to do is stop experiencing that difference as something painful and personal. His explanation tells me how he feels about sex; it doesn’t make me feel desired.
Now we have sex about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. I’m unsatisfied, and the conversations we’ve already had haven’t helped either of us much. I want to bring it up again, but I don’t know what to say that I haven’t already tried saying. He wants me to make the first move again. I’m still stuck on what happens when I do.
