I told my girlfriend I wanted to have sex with other women. She told me she didn’t want an open relationship. That left me with the same feelings I had before the conversation, but without the possibility that she might want the same arrangement.
We’re both 19, and we’ve been together for more than two years. I love her. When I think about her as a partner, there’s very little I would change. This isn’t a case of quietly hoping someone will give me permission to leave a relationship I already hate. I want to keep being with her. That’s what makes the other part so difficult to admit.
For the past few months, I’ve wanted sex with other women, and the curiosity has been getting stronger. It isn’t attached to a complaint I can take to my girlfriend and ask her to fix. I’m wondering what it would be like to be with someone else. Loving the person I’m with hasn’t made that question disappear.
She was my first sexual partner. I was her third. I think that difference is part of why I’m so curious, although I can’t know how I’d feel if our histories matched. From where I stand, she’s had experiences I haven’t. It’s easy to look at that difference and imagine that she already knows something I’m still trying to find out. Whether those experiences actually gave her the certainty I’m imagining is another matter.
I don’t think telling her was necessarily the cleverest thing I could have done. Still, she deserved to know what was going on with me. Keeping it to myself might have spared us an uncomfortable subject, but it wouldn’t have made the desire go away. Now she knows, and she’s given me a clear answer about what kind of relationship she wants.
An open relationship would only offer a way forward if she wanted one too. She doesn’t. I may wish there were an arrangement that let me stay with her and explore, but wishing for it doesn’t make it available to us.
Staying together would mean accepting exclusivity even while I’m curious about other women. Leaving would mean giving up this relationship for experiences I haven’t had and can’t predict. Neither possibility comes with a promise that I’ll be glad I chose it. The women I haven’t been with are still an unknown; my girlfriend is someone I already love.
That’s also why calling her an almost perfect partner doesn’t settle this for me. I can appreciate what we have and still want something that doesn’t fit inside it. There’s no missing quality of hers I can name that would neatly explain the feeling, and I don’t want to turn my curiosity into a judgment on her.
I’ve told her the truth. I have her answer. What I haven’t figured out is whether I can stay in the relationship she wants without continuing to wish it allowed something else.
