We’re looking at rings, and I’m trying to picture saying yes while I already feel unwanted. I love my boyfriend. I want to marry him. But the future we’re discussing includes a sex life I’m struggling to live with now.
I’m 28, he’s 29, and we’ve been together for more than five years. We’ve shared a home for over three. He’s my best friend, and we fit together in so many ways that the one place we don’t fit has become painfully hard to talk about. It feels strange to describe a relationship as this good and still have something in it hurt this much.
It wasn’t always like this. Early on, we had plenty of sexual chemistry. Now sex barely happens unless I make it unmistakably clear that I’m initiating. I don’t just miss having sex. I miss the feeling that he wants it enough to come toward me without being prompted. Being the person who starts things every time leaves me wondering whether he would notice if I stopped.
We’ve talked about it many times. He’s said that bringing it up has made it harder for him mentally. I’ve tried backing off and taking away the pressure, but that hasn’t brought back the spontaneous interest I’m missing. He hasn’t explained what changed. So I’m left trying to talk about something that hurts me while knowing that talking about it may feel like more pressure to him.
He says he still finds me attractive and that his sex drive simply isn’t as high as mine. That could be true. What confuses me is that, when we do have sex, he seems present and interested. Those moments don’t feel like someone just waiting for it to be over. I can feel close to him then and still have no idea why getting there so rarely seems to occur to him.
There’s also an imbalance in the attention we give each other. Oral sex has been a rare part of the relationship for me, even though I regularly do that for him when we’re intimate. I’ve brought that up too. It isn’t just about how often we have sex; it’s also about whether there’s room for what I enjoy when we do.
The absence of an explanation gives me too much room to blame myself. I’ve gained a little weight since we met, though I don’t think my body looks dramatically different. I take care of myself. Previous partners enjoyed being close to me in ways he rarely seems interested in. None of that stops me wondering whether there’s something about me he doesn’t want to say.
I don’t believe he’s cheating, and I don’t think he’s secretly attracted only to men. I’ve considered those possibilities for a long time, and they don’t seem likely. I’ve wondered whether he masturbates instead, but he says he doesn’t. I have suspicions and questions, not a discovery that explains our sex life.
What makes marriage difficult to think about is that I do believe he loves me. I’m not waiting for him to become a good partner in every other way. He already is. I’m trying to work out whether I can promise him a lifetime while hoping this part of our relationship becomes something it hasn’t been for a long time. I want the marriage. I don’t want years of wondering why the man I chose so rarely seems to choose me sexually.
