The first time I went to his apartment, I asked whether he had cats. The ammonia smell was that strong. He didn't have cats. His roommate had a dog, which they kept in a cage all day. I hated that detail before I had even taken in the rest of the place.
There was an old plate of food on his nightstand. The carpet was badly stained. His sheets had brown spots on them, and there was black mold in the shower. This wasn't me noticing a few dishes and deciding a man had failed an inspection. The apartment was filthy, and I couldn't imagine wanting to spend time there.
We'd only been on two dates. I'd been using Hinge for a couple of weeks, and until this visit, he had seemed promising. I'd had a good time with him the night before. I had even started thinking that we might have a relationship. Then I saw the place where he lived, and the attraction disappeared.
That sudden change is uncomfortable to explain, even to myself. Nothing about the enjoyable evening before had been imaginary. I hadn't pretended to like him. But liking someone on a date and wanting to get closer to him aren't separate from what it's like to be in his home. The sheets weren't an abstract difference in housekeeping standards. They were on his bed.
I don't know the whole story of that apartment after one visit. I do know what I saw, and I don't want to keep dating him. Those are different kinds of certainty. I can leave the reasons for the mess unknown without treating my own lack of interest as something I need to investigate for another three dates.
The hard part now is what to say. A simple message saying I don't want to continue seeing each other would tell him what he needs to know about us. It would also leave out the very specific reason I changed my mind. If he thought things were going well, that might seem abrupt. From his side, the previous good evening would still be the most useful evidence he had.
Telling him directly would mean saying that the condition of his apartment put me off. There's an honest version of that, but I can't make it a pleasant thing to hear. I don't want to send him an inventory of everything I found disgusting, or turn two dates into a judgment of his entire character. I also don't want to write something so vague that it sounds as though I might be interested again next week.
Somewhere in this, I've started worrying that not wanting to see him makes me mean. Yet the visit didn't leave me torn between attraction and a minor annoyance. It ended my interest. The uncertainty is all in the message: whether to name the apartment, or simply tell him I don't want another date.
