I don’t usually initiate sex. When I do, my husband goes along with it, even when he tells me he isn’t really in the mood. He seems to think that should reassure me. Instead, it makes me want to stop.
I’ve told him I’d rather we didn’t if he isn’t feeling it. His response is that he’s my husband, and if I want sex, he’s going to give me that. He says it as though being married settles the question.
For me, it opens a different one.
I want to feel that he wants to be there. When he says he’ll do it because he’s my husband, I hear an obligation where I was hoping for desire. I know he’s agreeing. I also know that the way he explains his agreement leaves me uncomfortable.
During these conversations, we’re two people trying to explain what the same yes means to each of us. He keeps coming back to being my husband. I keep coming back to not wanting him to participate out of duty.
I don’t expect us to be in the same mood every time. I can understand that someone might willingly choose closeness without having felt much desire beforehand. But I don’t know whether that’s what he’s describing, because his explanation stays focused on what he believes he should give me.
And then it starts to feel like pity sex, which is the last thing I want when I’ve reached for him. My wanting him doesn’t mean I need him to agree regardless of how he feels. I would rather hear that he isn’t interested than wonder whether he’s simply getting through something for my benefit.
I keep wondering how other husbands experience this. When they say yes without being in the mood, does it still feel like something they want to share?
I can tell him I want him. What I can’t seem to explain is why hearing that he’s willing isn’t always enough.
