My husband and I are both 28, and we haven’t had sex in nearly a year. Ten months, maybe eleven. I’m no longer certain of the count, but I know it has been long enough that hearing “soon” makes me angry.
That’s what he says when I bring it up: “I promise we will soon.” He’s been saying some version of it for about ten months. I want to believe him, but the promise keeps coming without anything changing.
I’ve tried telling him how much I want us to have sex. The conversation gets brushed off so quickly that we never seem to reach an actual discussion. I’m left with the same frustration and no better understanding of what’s happening.
There’s another part I find difficult to say out loud. He doesn’t masturbate, and he’s proud of that. I wouldn’t mind whether he did or didn’t, except that he doesn’t want me doing it either. I’m so sexually frustrated that I do anyway, and I hide it from him.
So now something private has become something secret. Alongside missing sex with my husband, I’m carrying that around too.
I also don’t think he gets erections, at least from what I’ve noticed. I don’t know what that means or whether there’s something going on that I don’t understand. Because we can’t seem to stay in the conversation, I have no way to ask and get much further than another promise.
At this point, I’m angry. I’ve brought it up many times, and I still feel as though I’m trying to get a conversation started that keeps ending before it begins.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking we’ll never have sex again. I can’t know that, but after this many months, the fear feels increasingly hard to shake. Imagining that at 28 is overwhelming.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’m asking for some hope, something beyond hearing that it will happen soon. What can actually change when we can’t even talk about why it stopped?
