Recently, my boyfriend told me he missed me and asked whether something was still bothering me. There was. But I hesitated to answer because I could already imagine another argument, and I didn’t feel ready for one.
I’m 34, and he’s 31. We’ve been seeing each other since February, though we’ve only officially been together for two months. He has a full schedule with work and school. I want more affection, closeness, and reassurance than I’ve been feeling, and we’ve already had several disagreements about the distance between us.
It took him a while to commit, which left me insecure from the beginning. Meeting his family has become another tender spot. His mother has apparently wanted to meet me for some time, but an introduction still hasn’t happened. We’ve discussed it, and he said he’d invite me next time. I’ve been waiting for that next time to arrive.
Last weekend, he mentioned having coffee with his mother. I asked why he’d never invited me. He said he’d forgotten about their plans and thought meeting her might be overwhelming for me. I questioned that explanation, and the conversation became a big argument.
I left upset and slammed the door. I apologized afterward. The next day, I was crying and wanted him to come over so we could talk and feel close again. He said I was making a big deal out of it, that he wasn’t going to come running after me, and that he didn’t have time for this.
He says our disagreements exhaust him. He doesn’t feel heard, thinks I take up too much space in the relationship, and feels I don’t support his studies enough. That hurts to hear because I do try, although I know trying doesn’t mean he experiences it that way.
I also know my insecurities contribute to our conflicts. I want to work on them. But when I explain something that makes me feel vulnerable, he often hears criticism. The conversation gets heated, and I leave feeling even less understood. During earlier arguments, he has questioned whether we should stay together.
We talked after the latest fight without finding a solution. I still care about him, but lately I don’t feel particularly loved or comfortable, and I can feel myself becoming more distant.
So when he asked what was bothering me, I held back. How do we get to a place where I can answer that question honestly—and do we both still want to?
