My girlfriend asked me not to watch porn, and I haven’t. That was the clear part. Then I came across a random Instagram model and masturbated while looking at her photos. Since then, I’ve been trying to decide whether that belongs in a conversation with my girlfriend or whether I’m turning a private fantasy into something bigger.
I’m 21, she’s 20, and we’re in a long-distance relationship. I really like her and care about what we have. I’m still attracted to her, too. That hasn’t changed, even though I keep feeling the need to establish it whenever I think about what happened.
Her request was specifically about porn. I didn’t watch any, but that distinction hasn’t made the guilt go away. I can explain to myself what I did and didn’t do, then end up right back at the same uncomfortable feeling.
Part of me wants to tell her now because keeping it to myself feels dishonest. I expect she’ll be upset, and I don’t like knowing there’s something on my mind that could hurt her. At the same time, I don’t know whether telling her would help our relationship or simply give her something painful to carry.
Then I imagine her asking about it later. I know I’d answer honestly. Would hearing it then hurt more because I hadn’t brought it up myself? Would the time between now and that conversation become another thing I’d have to explain?
I keep reacting as though I cheated, even though I haven’t been involved with anyone else and would never want to be. The intensity of the guilt is making it difficult to tell how much of this comes from her boundary and how much comes from my own interpretation of it.
I haven’t told her. I’m still caught between saying something before it becomes a secret in my head and accepting that a fantasy can stay private. I wish I knew which choice would actually be more honest with her.
