When my friend said he wasn’t looking to date, I believed him. That seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do with information someone had voluntarily supplied.
I’m 29, and he’s 30. We hang out a lot. When we first met and he wanted to spend time together, I found him attractive and was open to seeing where things might go. I wasn’t assuming we would become a couple, but I wasn’t ruling it out either.
Over time, he made comments about not wanting to date right now. I took those comments at face value. I don’t hear that kind of thing and start searching for a hidden promise that he’ll change his mind. To me, it means dating isn’t on the table.
Once that was clear, I relaxed into the friendship. There was no need to keep wondering whether every interaction meant something more. We were friends, and I was fine with that.
Then I started dating someone else.
Since then, our friendship has picked up this strange, unpleasant edge. He makes rude, snide remarks. I ignore them, but ignoring something doesn’t prevent it from hurting. It just means he doesn’t get much of a response from me.
The timing makes it hard not to connect the two things. Still, I don’t know what he’s feeling. Jealousy is one possibility. So is discomfort with a change in our friendship. I can’t tell whether he ever wanted to date me or simply liked having my interest available.
What bothers me is that I thought we understood each other. He didn’t want to date, and I accepted that without arguing, waiting him out, or making it his problem.
Now I’m seeing someone who does want to date me, and spending time with my friend has become more complicated than it was when I had a crush on him.
I keep coming back to the same question: What changed for him when I did exactly what his words gave me every reason to do?
