I’m a Christian, and I dress as a woman and post pictures for men online. Putting those things in one sentence is difficult for me. They’re both part of my life, and I struggle with how they fit together every day.
The attention gives me a rush. Men notice the pictures and respond to me. I like knowing that someone finds me attractive. I don’t get that attention from women in my everyday life, so receiving it online means something to me, even when I’m uncomfortable admitting how much.
I don’t think I’m gay. I also know I’ve wanted to be with a man, although I haven’t acted on that desire. I don’t have a neat explanation for those two statements. Right now, they’re the most honest way I can describe where I am.
My religion is part of why I haven’t gone further. I believe acting on that desire would go against my faith. That belief matters to me, and so does the desire. Neither disappears just because I find it hard to talk about the other.
I’m wary of saying this online because I expect people to dismiss the religious part. But leaving it out would leave out much of what makes this difficult. I’m trying to describe my own life, including a faith I still care about.
The pictures are easier to share than all of this. They bring the attention I want without requiring me to explain what I believe, what I’ve wanted to do, or why I haven’t done it. Here, I have to find words for those things.
I keep wondering how much of it comes down to being lonely. I know the attention feels good. I know I’m missing it elsewhere. Beyond that, I’m less certain.
Maybe I’m lonely. I don’t know. That’s where I keep ending up, even after I’ve said everything else.
