I got engaged, and I don’t feel happy. Even writing that feels like admitting something I’m supposed to keep to myself.
I thought I knew what this part would feel like. Whenever I see women talking about their engagements on social media, they seem so excited. They sound certain about their happiness, comfortable saying it out loud. I expected to recognize that feeling when it was my turn.
Instead, I feel lost. Confused, worried, anxious. Sometimes sad. Those are difficult words to put beside an engagement, especially when I’m already wondering what their presence says about me.
The question I keep coming back to is embarrassingly simple: I’m supposed to be happy, right? It’s hard to ask without hearing an accusation in my own voice. Something good has happened, and now I’m judging myself for not having the feeling I expected.
Seeing other women’s excitement makes mine harder to understand. I can see how they describe this moment. I can’t find myself in those descriptions. That gap leaves me wondering whether my reaction is something other people experience but rarely mention, or whether there’s something here I don’t understand yet.
I don’t have a clear explanation. All I can honestly describe is how unsettled I feel. I’m not arriving at this with a neat account of what’s wrong or a decision already made. I’m trying to find words for it before I even know what it means.
What makes it lonelier is that I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I want to tell someone with more life experience, someone who might be able to hear the whole thing without expecting me to sound delighted.
I got engaged. I’m anxious and sad instead of excited. Has anyone else felt this way?
