Almost eight months into dating my boyfriend, I can list plenty of reasons to feel good about us. He’s kind, funny, laid-back, and physically affectionate. He makes plans and initiates affection. We spend time together regularly, we’ve traveled together, and I’ve met many of his longtime friends.
I don’t doubt that he enjoys being with me. What I struggle to understand is how deeply he feels.
I’m 29, and he’s 31. This is only his second relationship; his first lasted about seven months. On our second date, he told me he was passive and inexperienced when it came to relationships. I remember that now when I’m trying to interpret what he says—or what he doesn’t.
He rarely starts conversations about our relationship. He isn’t verbally expressive, and a shared future doesn’t come up spontaneously. We can have a good time together while I’m still unsure what that time means to him.
Recently, I asked whether he’d be interested in meeting my family over the holidays. He said, “I think so,” and initially explained that he hadn’t really thought about it. I was left trying to work out how much to read into a small answer to a question that mattered to me.
Then he voluntarily offered that I could meet his parents. His previous girlfriend never did, so that felt encouraging. It also gave me another piece of information without quite settling the larger question.
I’m reserved, too. Sometimes I hold back my own feelings because I’m afraid of discovering that I’m more invested. So there are things I’m waiting to hear while being cautious about saying them myself.
I care about him deeply. After almost eight months, I expected a stronger sense of us, although I don’t know exactly when that is supposed to become clear.
How do you tell the difference between someone who feels deeply but says little and someone who is happy with the relationship exactly as it is? I’m trying to understand whether we’re moving toward something together, even if neither of us is especially good at talking about it.
