I’ve always gone into dates with a fairly straightforward plan: show up as myself and let the other person decide whether that works for them. I’m not trying to sell a more mysterious version of my personality. Eventually, that person would have to go home, and I would still be there.
For the most part, my dates seem to enjoy my company. That’s what makes this confusing. I’m not sitting through a string of obvious disasters and wondering whether I should try asking a question. We have a good time. Men come on strongly. Then, somewhere afterward, I end up trying to understand what happened.
The longer I date, the more I catch myself considering an idea I don’t particularly like: if you don’t play the game, do you leave yourself open to getting played?
It isn’t that I don’t understand how the game works. I know how to build interest, make someone feel important, and give them that lovely sense of being noticed. Paying attention can be sincere. But I also know the difference between responding naturally and choosing a response because I know what effect it will have.
That’s where I get uncomfortable. If I deliberately turn up someone’s interest and it works, I don’t quite get to relax and enjoy it. Part of me is standing off to the side, wondering how much of this connection I helped manufacture.
Meanwhile, being completely straightforward hasn’t spared me uncertainty. Someone’s early enthusiasm can feel reassuring right up until I’m left confused by what follows. Apparently, showing up honestly doesn’t come with a matching guarantee from the other person.
I still want someone to like the person they’re actually spending time with. I also don’t enjoy feeling foolish for taking their interest seriously. So when people say dating is a game you have to learn, I genuinely want to know what they mean: how do you participate without making the connection itself feel staged?
