I’m 29, and I’ve never even been close to having a relationship. So when I see men say women have dating easy, I want to know who they’re picturing. Because it doesn’t seem to be me.
I’m Black, tall, dark-skinned, and autistic. Those are ordinary facts about me. But I spend enough time seeing posts about who people don’t want to date that those facts can start to feel like reasons I’m supposed to expect rejection.
There are posts about not liking Black women. There are comments about autistic people being weird. Seeing some version of that every day wears on me. I don’t have to go looking for a personal verdict to end up feeling as though I’ve been handed one.
And before someone suggests that I keep choosing the same kind of man: I don’t. That explanation is frustrating because it supplies a dating history I haven’t described, then asks me to take responsibility for it. I’m telling you I’ve never come close to a relationship.
The part that gets under my skin is the certainty. Women have options. Women can find someone whenever they want. People say these things as if being a woman settles the question, and I’m left trying to work out where my actual life fits.
From where I’m standing, the women being imagined are conventionally attractive women. The rest of us barely seem to enter the discussion, except when someone wants to make a joke or announce a preference that lands right on us.
I’m angry, but underneath that I want reassurance badly enough to feel embarrassed by it. Tell me I’m desirable. Some days I want to add, please, even if you have to lie. That’s how worn down I feel by reading all the reasons someone supposedly wouldn’t want me.
Then I see another post saying women have it easy, and there I am again: 29, wanting a relationship, wondering how I became invisible in a conversation that claims to be about me.
