I can get a woman's number. I can get a first date. It's when she asks what I do for fun that I start wishing confidence came with a more impressive list of hobbies.
I'm 29, and I've been making an effort to put myself out there. Talking to people has gotten easier. I feel reasonably good about my looks, and sometimes my confidence is doing more than its fair share of the work. I'm interested in what other people have to say. Getting a conversation started isn't the problem it used to be.
The dating advice I've read sounds manageable: treat women like people, be confident, and have interests you're passionate about. The first two haven't left me completely stranded. The third seems to contain a footnote I missed about which interests count.
Most of my hobby time goes into two video games and following professional League of Legends. I work out, and occasionally I make music, but gaming is what consistently holds my attention. When someone asks what I'm into, that is the honest answer. I don't have an exciting second life waiting behind it.
Then I start talking about it with the enthusiasm I'm supposedly meant to have. From my side, I'm sharing something I enjoy. From hers, judging by how these conversations seem to go, I might as well have grown another head. I feel as though I've lost her somewhere inside a subject that makes perfect sense to me.
I don't tend to get second dates. That doesn't prove a conversation about gaming caused each disappearance, but it's hard not to notice the point where I feel the interest drop. I do ask about her life and what she enjoys. In my account of these dates, I'm trying to have a conversation, not deliver the full competitive history of a game to a captive audience.
Part of what makes this frustrating is that my wish isn't particularly elaborate. I'd love to meet a woman who would enjoy watching the League of Legends world championship with me. Sharing something I already love sounds much nicer than finding a hobby that looks good in a dating profile. Yet putting more of my gaming enthusiasm into that profile seems to take me from a few matches to none. Being specific is certainly narrowing the search.
People suggest exploring other hobbies, doing a little soul-searching. I haven't found much that pulls me in the same way. I'm not claiming there are no other things worth doing; I just can't manufacture an interest because it might make me easier to date. As I get older and think about a serious relationship, I worry that my actual free time is becoming something I have to explain away.
What I can't tell is whether the obstacle is the hobby, how I talk about it, or simply meeting women who don't share it. Those lead to rather different changes: finding a new interest, making room for someone who doesn't know the game, or waiting for someone who does. Pretending would give me something else to talk about, but it would also leave me maintaining a hobby for the benefit of women I haven't met yet.
For now, my free time is still mostly gaming, working out, and occasionally making music. I can talk about those things with confidence. I'm less confident about whether I'm supposed to give a different answer.
