My boyfriend is in the military, and he’s always told me he keeps his personal life private at work. About a month ago, he went out with his coworkers for the first time. Some of them brought their partners and talked about their relationships. He went on his own and didn’t mention me. I understood. It was his first time hanging out with them outside work.
Now he’s going to Friendsgiving at a coworker’s house. He’s invited a coworker and their partner over to his place, and he’s lent one of his coworkers his truck. Somewhere in there I started wondering if any of these people had even heard him say the words “my girlfriend.” There aren’t any pictures of us at his place, either. I’d barely thought about that before. Now I picture his friends coming over and having no idea he’s seeing anyone.
When I brought it up, I told him I understood that he gets to decide what he shares. I’d be happy with a passing mention that he’s spending the weekend with his girlfriend. We’ve had problems before that left me feeling unwanted, and I know that’s part of why this gets to me. I’d been working through the feeling that he wasn’t proud to be with me. Then I heard about Friendsgiving and found myself wondering all over again.
I asked him to imagine I was at his place when one of his coworkers wanted to stop by. Would he have them over? He said it depended on whether he wanted to “merge” those parts of his life. I’d pictured a quick hello at the door. Apparently even that would be a decision he’d have to make.
When I told him how much that hurt, he treated it like something I needed to deal with on my own. That stung more than hearing he was going to another get-together without me. I’d like him to feel comfortable mentioning me in the course of an ordinary conversation. I’m trying to figure out how much of this is old hurt getting stirred up again. If you’re private with people you work with, even after you’ve started inviting them into your home, would it still feel like a big step to tell them you have a girlfriend?
