This week, my boyfriend texted me that he was questioning our relationship. He wanted to talk to other people before talking it through with me. His friends and parents were getting a chance to weigh in while I was still waiting to explain my side.
We’re both 29 and have been together a little over a year. This isn’t the first time he’s gone to other people when we’ve had a conflict. He asks several friends and his parents for advice before we’ve had a proper conversation about what happened. This time, though, the question is whether he wants to be with me at all.
I can understand needing help with that. When a relationship feels uncertain, someone who knows you well can help you sort through what you’re feeling. I’m not expecting to be his only source of support, and I don’t think being his girlfriend gives me the right to choose who he confides in.
What hurts is the order. If we talk and he still needs time or another perspective, that makes sense to me. Instead, he’s taking a version of our conflict to several people before hearing how I experienced it. I don’t know what he tells them, what they ask him, or what advice they give. I just know that my part of the conversation hasn’t happened yet.
The people he turns to are also people who know us outside these conflicts. It’s hard not to feel exposed when our difficulties become part of what they know about us.
I also can’t assume that asking for advice means he’s gathering people to take his side. He may be trying to understand himself before he speaks. But whatever he hopes to get from those conversations, I’m still the person he’s in this relationship with. Hearing me doesn’t mean agreeing with me. It would mean having both of our experiences in the room before deciding what they add up to.
Now I’m trying to work out how to tell him this hurts without making it sound as if I want him to stop talking to his friends or parents. I want room for his need to think, and room for me to speak. I haven’t found the words for that conversation yet. His message is already about whether we should stay together; I’m still waiting for us to talk about what happened between us.
