My birthday was fairly uneventful until I met up with my buddies to go barhopping. We started at one place for drinks, then moved on to a karaoke bar, where the evening developed an audience.
I’m six-foot-four barefoot and closer to six-foot-six in boots, so disappearing into a crowd takes planning. I also weigh about 200 pounds, a detail I apparently mistook for a qualification later in the evening.
By the end of the night, I’d had somewhere around 12 to 14 drinks. I usually think of myself as someone who handles alcohol well: no throwing up, no spectacular chaos. My coordination would shortly be filing a formal objection.
Before that, things were going great. I sang with a buddy, people seemed to enjoy it, and he announced my birthday into the microphone. Strangers wished me well. I had successfully become the tall birthday guy.
Later, I stepped outside with my friends while they vaped. Shortly after we went back in, a very attractive woman approached me. The opening conversation is fuzzy, although I remember her saying she’d initially thought I was gay. I have no idea what gave her that impression. We hit it off enough to start dancing.
After a minute or two, she asked me to pick her up.
I’d love to say I did it against my better judgment, but that would suggest better judgment attended the event. My entire decision-making process was essentially: sure.
I lifted her. Shortly afterward, I dropped her.
She landed on her back on the floor, in front of what felt like the entire bar—probably about 50 people. Being unusually tall had finally delivered its full promotional value.
I helped her up and made sure she was okay. Thankfully, she wasn’t hurt. That was the part that mattered immediately; the embarrassment had plenty of time to settle in afterward.
Whatever had been developing between us ended there. There was no smooth recovery available after an actual failed recovery.
It had been a fantastic birthday until I became the evening’s unplanned demonstration of gravity. Since she was okay, I can laugh about it now. But if a woman ever asks me to pick her up on a dance floor again, I’ll be keeping both of us at our original elevation.
