There’s a dating situation I have trouble making sense of: a man is drawn to a woman because she’s bubbly, confident, and sexy. He likes how she dresses and the care she takes with her appearance. Then they start dating, and those same qualities seem to become a problem.
She hasn’t suddenly become a different person. She’s wearing the kinds of clothes she wore when they met. She still enjoys looking good. Her outgoing personality hasn’t been packed away now that she has a boyfriend. Yet he wants her to tone it down.
I can imagine jealousy entering the picture once someone feels they have a relationship to lose. What seemed exciting when he was trying to get her attention might feel less comfortable when he notices that other people can see her, too. That’s one possible explanation, though it doesn’t tell us what any particular man is thinking.
There may also be an expectation he never said out loud: that becoming a couple would change how she presents herself. Meanwhile, she may have assumed he liked her as she was. That seems like a pretty understandable assumption, considering what attracted him.
What catches me is how ordinary the behavior can be. Taking care of yourself. Wearing something flattering. Being warm and lively around other people. None of that, by itself, says anything about whether someone is committed to a partner.
And being sexy isn’t a setting someone necessarily turns on to find a relationship and switches off after finding one. It can simply be part of how she likes to look and feel.
I keep coming back to the woman’s position in this. From her side, she may be continuing exactly as before, only now receiving complaints about things he used to appreciate. That would be a confusing change in the terms.
If her style and personality helped make him want to date her, what did he expect her to do with them once she said yes?
