Just typing out the title to this post has me feeling like a basket case, but here goes.
When I first met my boyfriend, it was immediately apparent that he is disorganized and messy. He was clearly very comfortable/unembarrassed by this, and I’m relatively easygoing regarding clutter and piles of things like books and mail stacking up, so I didn’t see this as a negative. He was so sweet and caring, and we really connected on everything.
In a weird way, it feels comforting to me when I walk into someone’s home and see little messes. It’s like I can see the trace of how they’ve gone about their day/week, and it feels very human. Maybe that’s strange, but whatever. I, personally, have a weekly maintenance cleaning schedule I stick to (i.e. clean bathrooms on Thursday, do laundry on Tuesdays, etc.) and I try to spend 15-20 minutes at the beginning or end of each day ensuring things are back in their place, dishes are done, etc. This is a simple system that works for me. We had so many discussions about this prior to moving in together, so I thought we were on the same page: do your best to clean up after yourself; we’re in this together as partners and can help each other out as needed; a house should look lived in, and it’s okay if things get a little messy and out of hand from time to time. Also, I like doing the laundry, so I agreed to take on that responsibility 100%. We agreed we’d delegate specific chores if necessary.
Then something weird happened when we actually moved in together. Suddenly, he has this very high standard for cleaning that he isn’t willing to hold himself to, like, at all. The house is a wreck, and I’ve rapidly learned that if I don’t clean it, it won’t get cleaned. The kitchen counters are so full of junk that I can’t even put down a cutting board. The couch is sometimes so cluttered with junk that I can’t even sit down. It’s bad and frankly, it’s overwhelming. This is a mess far beyond what I ever witnessed at his house before we moved in together.
The worst part is that he gets upset with me for things like leaving an empty soda can out on the counter, forgetting to clean a pot when I’m doing the dishes, or forgetting the little plastic razor blade cap in the shower. Meanwhile, these little things are like blips in the sea of filth and destruction he’s always setting off across the house. He says I “lack initiative” and I’m not just seeing what needs to be done and doing it, but the truth is, if I did everything that needed to be done, I’d be running around like a maid all day (on top of my full-time job) to clean up messes I’m not making. I can be supportive and pick things up here and there, which is what we agreed to do for each other when things get out of whack, but this is truly extreme.
When I try to explain this to him (and ask why he isn’t just seeing and doing what needs to be done), he says I’m being defensive and not taking responsibility. I’ve tried to come up with a list of chores we can be responsible for individually, but he refuses to maintain a schedule of any kind. I’m at the end of my rope and I feel like some terrible trick has been played on me. Did I set myself up for failure somehow? Does anything I’ve described come across as a failure on my part to communicate effectively?
Insightful Advice
This situation might feel isolating, but it’s crucial to remember you’re not alone. Many couples navigate similar struggles. Here are some thoughtful strategies to address this dilemma:
Open and Honest Communication: Schedule a time to sit down (without distractions) and discuss how you both envision a shared living space. This isn’t just about cleaning; it’s about expressing your feelings and finding a mutual understanding.
Revisit Your Agreements: Go over your initial conversation about cleanliness and reestablish your commitments. If he feels overwhelmed by cleaning, ask what specifically he finds difficult and collaborate on a plan that feels equitable.
Create a Visual Plan: Sometimes, a visual aid can help clarify tasks. Try a chore chart or a shared app that allows both of you to keep track of small daily tasks and larger weekly chores.
Celebrate Your Progress: Acknowledge when tasks are completed, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can significantly affect motivation and create a supportive environment.
Be Patient: Change takes time. Allow for adjustments and experiences in learning as you both adapt to the new living arrangement.
Ultimately, it’s vital to prioritize the love and connection you have over the temporary mess. With patience and teamwork, you can find a balance that appreciates both your needs.
