I usually ask someone out, book the place, and pay. This arrangement has never required a manifesto. Apparently, suggesting an occasional alternative does.
I’ve started splitting the bill when a date clearly isn’t going anywhere, provided we both agree. We’ve met, spent some time together, and discovered that we won’t be doing it again. Half the check each seems like a perfectly respectable way to wrap things up. A disappointing romantic prospect can still have an orderly accounting department.
What I’ve stopped enjoying is the assumption that paying is my obligation because I’m the man. I’m happy to treat someone. I do it most of the time, especially when I’m interested in seeing them again. But I’d like that to remain something I choose, without my entire standing as a gentleman hanging from a credit card receipt.
There’s a strange amount of meaning attached to this one moment. Someone suggests splitting, and suddenly I’m supposed to determine whether they mean it, whether it’s a test, and whether accepting will count against me. I’m inclined to take the offer literally. If we agree to go halves, I’d like to believe we’ve successfully communicated about dinner.
When I raised this, some responses were angry enough to suggest I’d proposed charging admission. I wasn’t telling everyone how to date. I was saying there shouldn’t be anything embarrassing about two adults agreeing to pay their own way.
I’ve wondered whether making that normal might also discourage dates where one person has little interest and contributes little effort. I can’t prove it would. Mostly, I know I feel better when paying doesn’t feel compulsory.
And nobody needs the follow-up message itemizing dinner as evidence that their time was wasted. Buying someone a meal doesn’t buy another evening with them.
If I want to pay, I’ll pay. If we both suggest splitting, I’m happy to do that too. We can settle the check, say goodbye, and leave without scheduling a hearing.
