I’m 28, my boyfriend is 29, and we’ve been together a year and a half. We’d already had trust issues: a Bumble situation, then a fight about him bringing red wine to a female friend’s place. Now I’ve learned he twice visited another woman late at night and lied about it.
We share locations. I check them often because I’m anxious; I do it with friends and my brother, too. While I was out of town, I noticed him at an unfamiliar address. He said it was a friend’s house. Recently, while away again, I checked before bed because he’d started driving Lyft at night. Same address, very late.
When I got home and asked, he said he’d known I checked and was waiting for me to bring it up. For half an hour, he asked what I thought he’d been doing while insisting it wasn’t that. I finally left. He followed me to my car, begging me to trust him.
First, he said his friend “J” was dealing with something private. He couldn’t show me a single text. Later, he admitted J was a woman he’d met at a conference in May. She’s a psychologist; they’d clicked and kept texting.
He said the first visit was to show her his new car, right after our fight about the wine. They supposedly sat in the car talking. She lives with her parents. The second time, she called crying about her parents’ divorce. He offered to come over, stayed past 2 a.m., and held her hand. He says nothing else happened.
By the time I asked for their messages, he’d deleted everything and blocked her. He also asked me not to tell anyone because it would look bad.
He says he’d help any friend in crisis and hid this because I’m uncomfortable with his female friends. I had objected to him going to the movies with her; once, when I asked to say hello to her, he refused. He compared it to my visiting a male friend, though I hadn’t hidden that visit.
He reminded me he’d turned down a move for me. He said he hadn’t deceived me, just withheld information. Later, he acknowledged deliberately making a mistake and said he took responsibility.
He’s been very apologetic. I love him, and sometimes being together feels okay. Saying it aloud makes me angrier. I don’t know whether anything physical happened. I do know he maintained a secret connection and kept lying when I asked directly. Do we try again, or do I leave? How would we rebuild trust when the messages are already gone?
