I’m 20, my boyfriend is 24, and we’ve been together for nine months. I’m happy with him. That feels like the place to start, because it’s hard to explain why something I want so much also frightens me.
Before this relationship, I was very independent. I also felt fairly numb to things, although I didn’t necessarily think of it that way at the time. I was used to being able to get through my days without feeling everything so intensely. Loving him has changed that.
This is the first time I’ve genuinely been in love and had those feelings returned. There’s a happiness in that I hadn’t experienced before. But I didn’t expect to feel so exposed, or to discover how much another person’s presence could matter to me.
We briefly broke up because of circumstances outside the relationship. It hurt more than I knew how to handle. We got back together, and I’m glad we did, but knowing we’re together again hasn’t erased the memory of how it felt when we weren’t.
Before the breakup, losing him was something I could imagine. Now I have an experience to attach to it. Sometimes I wonder whether I have the emotional capacity to go through that again, and I don’t feel confident about the answer.
We’re currently long-distance, which leaves a lot of room for missing him. I think about him constantly. I’m also going through an unhappy period in the rest of my life, and I suspect that makes everything harder. There isn’t much ease elsewhere to balance out the intensity.
Sometimes I wish I’d never fallen in love. I feel strange admitting that when I don’t want to leave him. I want the relationship we have; I just sometimes miss being someone who didn’t know how painful its absence could be.
I feel alone in this part of it because my boyfriend hasn’t experienced what I’m describing. His love is returned, too, but he doesn’t seem overwhelmed in the same way. Meanwhile, I’m wondering how people carry this much feeling through an ordinary day.
Do the feelings settle with time? Can I keep loving him this much and eventually feel less afraid?
