My girlfriend and I have talked about marriage. After almost four years together, that makes sense in plenty of ways. I’m 38, she’s 40, and we’re good friends as well as partners. We share interests, enjoy talking, and have enough affection and physical connection that I once felt confident about the long run.
Lately, I keep getting stuck on how differently we look at that future.
When something goes wrong, she tends to reach for “always” and “never.” Her life will always be difficult. Things will never get better. I hear those words and want to leave some room for another possibility. We can figure this out, I tell her. We can build something better.
That usually upsets her.
I’ve tried encouraging her to stop speaking so harshly about herself. I’ve tried pointing out those absolutes. From my side, I’m offering hope. From hers, I seem to be ignoring what’s actually happening. She thinks I have my head in the clouds, and I feel as though every possible way forward has been ruled out before we can discuss it.
She does have difficulties I don’t have. I know that. The last couple of years have also brought stress into our lives, although I think we’ve worked through much of it. I can acknowledge that things are hard and still believe they might improve. She seems to hear the second part as a refusal to understand the first.
Sometimes her response becomes hostile. Then we’re no longer talking about the original problem; we’re upset about how the other person responded to it.
I’ve tried setting this aside because there’s so much I value between us. There isn’t one dramatic event I can point to that explains why I’m considering leaving. There’s this recurring exchange, and the thought of having it for another twenty or forty years.
I suspect my optimism wears on her as much as her pessimism wears on me. That’s a painful possibility when we like each other this much.
We’ve talked about getting married. I’m still trying to decide whether I can say yes to the everyday life that would come with it.
