When I told my family I felt they didn't like my boyfriend, their answer was that they needed more time to move on from the past. I understood which past they meant. What I couldn't quite understand was where that left the man trying to have a conversation with them now.
I'm 27, he's 24, and we've been together for 11 months. When he tries to connect with my family, I don't see much interest coming back. They talk to my ex when they see him. With my boyfriend, the conversation seems to go nowhere. Watching that difference hurts, especially because the sweet, funny person I know doesn't seem to be getting through to them.
My ex wasn't a stranger who disappeared when we broke up. We had dated in high school, when he cheated on me, and later became friends again. When we got back together, I thought the relationship might work. Part of that was feeling as though it was the only option I had. That's an uncomfortable thing to admit about a relationship that became serious enough for us to buy a house together.
We were together for a year and a half. Eventually, I realized I wasn't in love with him the way I wanted to be, and I ended it. My family was devastated. They thought I was being dramatic, giving up over nothing. But they weren't living with the feelings I was trying to make sense of. A relationship could look settled to them while still feeling wrong to me.
Afterward, I started developing feelings for a friend from work. He knew my ex, too; we'd all worked together before. We found out we liked each other and eventually began dating. My parents thought I'd moved on too quickly. They were distant with him, and my sisters were, too. I can see how the change might have been difficult for them to follow, but the speed of the new relationship doesn't explain away why I ended the old one.
There are ordinary reasons my ex is still around. My younger sister and her boyfriend play the same sport as he does, something we'd introduced them to. They've become closer friends. I don't expect that friendship to vanish because my relationship ended. Still, it's hard not to feel compared when he gets an easy conversation and my boyfriend's attempts to join in don't seem to lead anywhere.
Then there are the jokes. My boyfriend jokes about not wanting to learn to cook, and I worry my family takes that as evidence that he's lazy. I find him funny; I don't think they always understand his humor. I can't tell how much of the distance comes from those impressions and how much comes from missing my ex. Asking them to like him exactly as I do would be a lot. Hoping they'll show some curiosity about him feels smaller.
I've already raised the distance between them, so bringing it up again would mean getting past the question of whether they like him and asking what needing more time actually means. I don't want to demand affection or police my sister's friendships. I also don't know how long I'm supposed to wait before my boyfriend's efforts are met with something warmer than the explanation that my family is still moving on.
