I've tried to initiate sex with my fiancé four times this month. Nothing happened. By now, trying doesn't just leave me disappointed. It makes me feel worse about myself, and I'm running out of enthusiasm for putting myself through it again.
We've been together for two and a half years and known each other for about five. I love spending time with him. Socially, we fit so well that I understand why he says he's never felt this compatible with anyone. That part of our relationship is real. So is the part where I can barely remember the last time we had sex without a difficult conversation coming first.
I think we've had sex three times this year apart from the occasions that followed me saying I couldn't keep doing this. I'm not even confident about the count anymore. Usually, after I say the relationship can't work with so little sex, we'll have sex within a few days. Then the gap opens up again.
Those occasions don't reassure me in the way I wish they would. I want to feel that he wants me, not wonder whether the possibility of losing the relationship is what finally made sex happen. I can't know exactly what he's feeling. But the pattern has made it difficult for me to experience those moments as the closeness I've been missing.
Feeling desirable has always been hard for me, even though I know I'm a conventionally attractive woman. Knowing how I might look to other people doesn't settle what happens between us. When I reach for the person I want and nothing comes of it, the confidence I'm supposed to have doesn't help much.
That's why simply initiating more isn't an easy answer for me. I've been trying. Even when we do have sex after I initiate, I can come away feeling worse. Getting sex and feeling wanted have started to seem like two different things, and the second is what I can't seem to reach.
Lately, the distance goes beyond the times we don't have sex. I feel cut off from the sexual part of myself. Romantic affection has started to frustrate me, too. Something that should bring us closer can leave me feeling how far away the rest of it is. I realize my frustration may be adding to the distance, but recognizing that doesn't make desire come back.
Whenever we talk about sex, he tells me things will change. He tells me how much he cherishes me and our relationship. I believe he's deeply in love with me, which makes the thought of leaving harder to stomach. His feelings aren't something I can casually dismiss. I just don't know how much longer those assurances can carry me when our sex life keeps returning to the same place.
I don't have friends I can talk this through with, and I needed somewhere to say this plainly. I feel unappealing so often now that I'm struggling to hold on to the future I originally wanted. I did want to marry him. At this point, I can't even picture the wedding.
