We’re planning a trip together next year, and I’ve started wondering whether I should leave him before we ever take it. Nothing terrible has happened. Quite the opposite: I’m falling for a man who makes room for me in his days, but what we can build together is much less clear.
I’m single and in my fifties. He’s in his sixties and married. We met online a few months ago, and he told me his marriage was open. According to him, his wife isn’t interested in sex and doesn’t mind him dating. That’s the explanation I have. He doesn’t otherwise talk about his marriage.
What I experience with him doesn’t feel like being squeezed into somebody’s spare time. He’s available, and we see each other several times a week. Sometimes it’s a quick catch-up; sometimes we spend the night together. When we’re out, he’s openly affectionate. We shop, visit galleries and go to the movies. These are ordinary couple things, and that ordinariness is part of what makes this feel so good.
The sex is wonderful, too: passionate and satisfying for both of us. But it isn’t the only reason I’m getting attached. He’s caring outside the bedroom. He buys me things without being asked, choosing gifts that suggest he remembers our conversations or notices what catches my eye when we’re together. I have my own money and assets; I’m not looking for someone to support me. What touches me is the attention.
He also insists on paying when we go out. Taken alongside everything else, the affection, generosity and time together make this easy to enjoy. There isn’t some obvious lack of warmth I can point to and say, there, that’s why I’m uneasy. My worry starts when I look beyond what we already have.
I can imagine spending my life with him. That’s a much bigger thought than booking a holiday, and I don’t know whether it has an equivalent on his side. Planning something next year gives us a future date to look forward to. It doesn’t tell me what kind of relationship he can offer over the years, or what being married will mean for us then.
I don’t know that he has misled me. I also can’t fill the silence about his marriage with the answer I’d most like to hear. His wife being comfortable with him dating, if that is their agreement, wouldn’t automatically mean he’s available for every kind of commitment I might want. Those are different things, even when the present is this affectionate.
Leaving now would mean walking away from something I’m genuinely happy in, because I’m afraid of how much more it could matter to me. Staying means letting those feelings grow while the larger picture is still missing. I haven’t decided to end it. We still have a trip in mind for next year, and I’m already imagining far more time with him than that.
