I know what I want to tell my boyfriend. Then I reach the end of the English words I have, and the thought is still going. That's the part that gets to me: having something clear in my head and being unable to give him all of it.
I'm 21, he's 23, and we've been together for seven months. We're from different countries, with different native languages. English is how we talk to each other every day, although neither of us grew up speaking it. It's the language we share, and it's also where I sometimes feel least able to sound like myself.
I love him. I'm happy with him. Still, I catch myself wondering whether being with someone who spoke my language would be easier. Even thinking that feels uncomfortable, because it sounds like I'm imagining a replacement boyfriend. What I actually miss is the freedom to express a thought without translating it first.
There are so many small things inside that freedom. A joke depends on more than getting the information across. An emotion can need a very particular word. Sometimes I want to share the little details of a thought, the parts that explain why it matters to me, and searching for the English leaves me frustrated before I've finished. The feeling doesn't disappear just because I understand why it's happening.
I also wonder what reaches him. Have I explained what I meant, or only the part I could find words for? I can't assume he misunderstands me. But I can't always tell whether the version I've said aloud carries everything I intended. That uncertainty is different from simply forgetting a word. It leaves me wondering how much of me is coming through.
Because English isn't his first language either, this isn't a matter of one fluent person waiting for the other to catch up. We both speak through a language that isn't our own. I know what that costs me; I don't know whether he experiences it in the same way. I don't want to turn my frustration into an account of his feelings.
Sometimes I imagine him understanding my native language. Not a different relationship, or a different man, but this man able to follow the jokes and details I can express so readily in my own words. I wonder whether he'd understand me more deeply. I have no way to know that, and speaking the same language wouldn't make two people understand everything about each other. It would remove one obstacle I keep running into.
There's no argument or loss of love behind this wish. There is sadness, though, and sometimes the frustration feels overwhelming. I want to know how to live with that feeling while being happy in the relationship I have. For now, I still find myself wishing I could let him hear a thought exactly as it arrived, before I start looking for its English.
