The women I’m dating have started texting more and wanting to see me more often. A couple of dates in, the casual arrangement I thought we’d agreed on is becoming something else. There are four women in the picture, and I’m still trying to get over the one I left.
I’m 40. My ex is 44, and we were together for eight months. I loved her a lot. I also had specific reasons for ending the relationship, and I’m certain I don’t want to get back together. That certainty hasn’t made the feelings disappear. I can know why I left and still miss the person.
Going straight back on the apps was my attempt to take my mind off her. I wanted some fun, some company, something that didn’t involve going over the breakup again. Looking back, I can see how quickly I moved from ending one relationship to filling my time with the possibility of others.
I did say I wanted something casual. These weren’t connections that began with me promising a serious relationship and then trying to change the terms. We initially connected over something short term. That matters to me, because I wasn’t setting out to mislead anyone. But it doesn’t explain away what’s happening now.
After seeing each other a couple of times, they seem to want more. There’s more texting, more interest in meeting frequently. As I understand it, these are women who have been waiting to find someone they can properly date. What began as short-term dating no longer seems to mean the same thing to all of us.
They’re attractive, smart, accomplished women. This isn’t a situation where I’m searching for a polite way to say I don’t like them. Two of them have genuinely blown me away, which makes the timing harder to dismiss. If I felt nothing, there would be less to untangle. Instead, I’m interested enough to wonder what I might be walking away from.
Being impressed by them hasn’t settled the question of what I can offer. I don’t know how quickly my feelings for my ex will fade, or whether being excited about someone new means I’m ready to build anything with her. Enjoying a date answers one question. Having room for the relationship she wants is a different one.
Part of me wishes I could ask for a pause and pick things up once I’m over the breakup. Even as I think it, I know what I’m asking: for someone else’s promising new connection to wait on a timetable I can’t give her. They have their own lives and their own reasons for wanting more now.
I could keep seeing them casually, if that still suited everyone. I could also step back and risk losing the two connections that have surprised me most. What I can’t honestly offer is a date when I’ll be ready, or the assurance that waiting would lead somewhere.
I thought being clear at the start would be the difficult part. Now two women have caught my attention far more than I expected, and I’m the one wishing the timing could change.
